"Is this for real or some kind of Hell?"

EVERYTHING! It's COMPLETELY POINTLESS! how do I know this isn't a dream?! How do I know my friends are real? How do I know they don't talk behind my back? What's real? No matter what anyone says I wont believe them, nothing is real. What happened to that sweet kid who never thought of life as a dream? What happened to the child that didn't care about real and not real? The one who only believed as his imagination told him? He was never sad...Why have I replaced that sweet child who could never think anything bad? Why me?! I'm the worst it fucking gets! People may not agree with me but they don't know that part of me...The part that spits in disgust at everything and everyone, the part that thinks its better then anyone, the part that wishes everyone would just DIE! Why cant that part leave me? Just leave me and let me die. But no, it has to stay or I would just give up...Its the only thing that keeps me going sometimes. No one ever said life was fair, and its not, but why? Why can't I just die? Why can't everyone just leave me alone? Why can't I just let fear take over? Why can't I fight the ones I so long to hurt? Why can't I tell everyone to leave me alone?

Because without All of them, that part of me that drives me forward would die. And to kill that part of myself is harder then any task. My final question: Is all the pain and suffering worth the little bit of happiness I get out of life?